Review: Cobra (George P. Cosmatos, 1986)

Underrated 80s action fun

"Crime is a disease...meet the cure"

I just saw this for the first time today- wow! I had so much damn fun with this flick! It's total badassery from the get go, which starts off with a very cool and stylish opening title. From here on in it's classic 80s action all the way with Stallone playing "Cobra" Cobretti of the "Zombie Squad"- a hard-as-nails cop who is the only one to call to take on the jobs no-one else will do. He's like a slick mix between The Punisher, Dirty Harry and Judge Dredd- donning his aviator shades, toothpick in mouth and fed up with crime, he'll do anything it takes to get the job done- and that usually involves putting shooting the sh!t out of the punks that are the cause of it all with a typically badass "shoot first, ask questions later" attitude. But underneath the hard exterior, he's a likable guy with a dry wit and everyday man sense of humour.

Cobra is enlisted with the other police to try and crack down on on some seemingly random female killings, but when a young model (Bridgette Neilsen) survives the onslaught of the villain dubbed by police as "the Night Slasher" and becomes the one and only witness, Cobra is sent to protect her, hoping as well that she will be the only key to finding the murderers as they try all it takes to come after her again and silence her for good. But not while Cobra is there- nothing will stand in his way to deliver his own brand of justice! This movie is truly a nostalgic gem of an 80s action film. It has everything in this to please fans of the genre- from psycho bad guys (here played by Brian Thompson as "The Night Slasher"- leader of a group of hardened knuckleheads hell bent on spreading their "new world order" of crime, first by killing the weak, helpless women of LA), to awesome action scenes including a fantastic car chase, explosive shoot outs, a terrific hand-to hand and hand-to-knife bare knuckle fighting, to fun one liners, all on top of brilliantly foreboding electronic style musical score (as well as heavy 80s pop tunes) It even has essences of James Cameron's "The Terminator" in it. It pretty much ticks everything it sets out to do and is the epitome of 80s action. Just what the doctor ordered.

My only gripes with the film are, well...zero! It's just pure old school fun from start to finish. Okay if I had a gripe, it would be that the UK version of the film cuts out a 3 second scene of Stallone giving a great one liner: "You have the right to remain silent" as he burns a guy to death) (why this was cut out i'll never know, especially since they show the scene of the guy getting burnt), but that's the BBFC's fault, not the film.

Otherwise- it's a truly underrated film (no idea why it flopped in cinemas when it as first released). It is an adaptation of the Paula Gosling novel "Fair Game" (which was later remade as Fair Game in 1995 with William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford), I haven't seen that, but i had one hell of a time with this one! Highly recommended for all action fans and all 80s junkies. On top of Rocky and Rambo, Stallone makes another iconic and lovable hero as Cobra. I only wish this was successful enough to warrant more sequels, but as it is- it's awesome. Film wise i'd rate it an 8/10 but really and truly it's warranting of a 9, even a 10- simply because they just don't make them like this anymore. I actually found this movie better than a load of action films in this present day. True, classic old school 80s action. Loved it.

9/10

Review: Hiruko the Goblin (Shinya Tsukamoto, 1991)

Gory Japanese creature antics with an old-skool flavour . Flawed, but fun.

Shinya Tsukamato (writer/director of the cult Tetsuo: The Iron Man) returns to the horror genre but this time, instead of doing something experimental and "out there" like Tetsuo, decides to adapt and direct a much more mainstream tale of horror. Based on the novel by Daijiro Moroboshi, the story is of a rural Japanese school in the middle of lush green fields which houses an underground lair home to seemingly thousands of "Hiruko"- which are, literally, small spider-like arachnids with heads of either their previous victims or their original alien forms. Sealed away by the spells of old Gods and legends, they are unwittingly unleashed by an archaeologist excavating the area. As a teacher and his student (played by Naoto Takenaka and Megumi Ueno) go missing within the area, crack goblin hunter Reijiro Hieda (Kenji Sawada) is called upon the site to deal with the shenanigans, who along the way meets Masao (Masaki Kudou), who is also there as he searches for his father who has mysteriously vanished there. Cue some monster-fighting fun as the two discover they are dealing with more than they bargained for, and with the help of Heida's home-made monster-busting tools and traps as well as the school's janitor Watanabe (Hideo Murota) who knows the truth, they plan to end this onslaught attack of spider-like creatures who enjoy stealing the heads of their victims.

The film has a great look with excellent colour and lighting. It also houses some pretty cool special effects in the form of severed heads, animatronic spider-like creatures (most of which sprout from these heads) and some use of stop-motion animation- so all in all, if you love low budget vintage horror (especially from the 80s), then you will definitely find something to like about this film. Tsukamoto was definitely inspired by the likes of Sam Raimi and John Carpenter and the influence shows as their fingerprints are rife throughout- the way scenes are shot, the style, the camera angles, how the monsters look and such, are all heavily inspired by films like The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Thing (1982), it even has essences of the oddball antics of Ghostbusters (1984) and even James Cameron's The Abyss (1989) in there too (Tsukamoto was already inspired by Cameron's The Terminator (1984) with his previous work of man and machine techno-bio-fusion). The story is also quite interesting as it heavily uses lots of traditional Japanese folktale lore, which to me was cool as it gives it it's own unique slant against other films, though the execution is rather dull at times. The acting by the cast is fine and they all do their job well. The music is also fantastically 80s- some cool electronic/synth beats, again inspired by Carpenter, but used to equally great effect. The charm of the film is because it's so retro, and that's what makes it fun.

The film's weak points are that it tends to drag on a bit and might be a bit boring (and confusing) in parts as the film takes some long breaks in between the action. There is also an ending which was quite cringe worthy (it had the intention of being sweet but came off as cheesy because it takes itself too seriously and, with age, hasn't fared well with it's use of effects, even though the rest of the film is solid in it's use of old-skool SFX).

Other than that, it's decent 80s creature feature schlock which delivers on some bloody gore and carnage, cool monsters, fun SFX and a cool style/atmosphere that is as good as the directors and movies it was inspired from, just don't expect too much and you'll have a blast with it, it's definitely got some creative ideas in there to make it worth a watch at least once. Definitely not up there with the best of Tsukamoto's work, but a decent enough effort for his first mainstream feature.

6/10

Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street (Samuel Bayer, 2010)

A soulless, empty and ultimately dull butchering of an iconic classic

This film is truly the epitome of what Hollywood has turned into these days: unnecessary remakes of beloved classics by talentless, clueless and uncaring hacks who create nothing but soulless, heartless and unimaginative garbage. It does absolutely nothing whatsoever except show us that Hollywood has well and truly run out of new ideas and is now slowly working it's way through it's back catalogue of great classics, trying to remake (and in turn ruin) all those great films of the past. Wes Craven's seminal 1984 classic is now the one which has been butchered.

Being a huge Nightmare fan, I was of course very upset that a remake was being done by not only the Platinum Dunes/Micheal Bay combo (the worst duo at the moment for horror remakes) but also without Robert Englund returning in his most iconic role. However, I was willing to give this film a chance, hoping that a "re-imaging" would put a fresh new spin on the classic series that had been on the decline for years and needed some fresh blood pumped into it, and hopefully a remake which revitalised the original for a new generation could actually work if it was by the right creative minds. How wrong I was. This movie was actually a lot worse than I could have ever imagined and in the end, could have really done without.

The film is an empty, predictable, gloomy poorly made bore. Wes Craven crafted a truly surreal nightmarish masterpiece back in 1984 and what we get here isn't so much of a scene-for-scene remake but a "re-imaging" trying recapture the essence for a new generation. It ultimately fails, because it seems as if it doesn't even try. It's got nothing- it's just an empty, dirty glass that needs to be thrown away. What the film does have however is a series of crap jump scares after jump scares and these are so lame and predictable that you get tired of them as forces you to watch them every 5 minutes- this is the only way it knows how to scare people- by quick cuts and loud noises; such is the extent it goes to because it hasn't got anything else to frighten with.

Jackie Earle Haley has big shoes to fill in the shadow of Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger, and he does try his best but ultimately fails because of the mess of a film he's in. Sure, nobody can beat Englund as he's the heart of the NOES series, but Haley provides an interesting take on the iconic character that could have proved well if he was in a better film. It just doesn't work, mostly because of how incredibly ridiculous the make-up looks. The original Freddy make-up looked terrifying because of how hideous it was and because they shot it well with good use of angle, height and light/shadows- but here, it looks truly pathetic because they don’t use any of these things to enhance it. It actually looks like a cross between a skinless cat and an alien from one of those autopsy pictures- and the first time he is revealed fully was so terrible that I just cringed. It's not scary, whatsoever- it's not a good design and it certainly isn't shot well at all, it is all from high angles which altogether make the quite short Haley look like a midget, and a not dominating force of evil at all. And thus, we cannot be scared of him as an image. Haley however has to act his way to be scary and I think this is the only way he managed to be scary as his voice was particularly creepy as was when he got angry. However, the make-up again got in the way as because it was so poor, Haley can't express himself well in it, and we just get one facial expression from him. Haley's movement and body language was also a nice touch and added to what could have been a different new take on Freddy but there's very little of it and it's all shot in a very bland way. So unfortunately, all of his efforts go to waste...it's a shame really as Haley was actually considered the part of Freddy in the original but lost out to Englund, so fate was good to him to come back to this role, only for it to be wasted in such a poor film.

Jackie Earle Haley ultimatly looks unintentionally hilarious with his alien skinned cat make up, which is a shame as he's the only actor who tries his hardest in this mess of a film

The principle teenage actors themselves are also some of the weakest cast and characters i've ever seen in a film.; completely and utterly dull. The original movie's group of teens were fantastic in comparison; funny, energetic, happy and full of life- there was variety there and each one was different. But here, we have the most gloomiest, moodiest kids i've ever seen- so much so that it should have been called "A Nightmare on Emo Street"; they have no personalities at all- and i couldn't have told the difference between any if they didn't all look slightly different than each other (blonde hair on the girl, black mascara on the guy...). In fact that are so dull that they aren't even stereotypes because stereotypes would require a personality to identify/classify with and these characters have nothing whatsoever. They are just there, ready to get killed- no emotion, no connection and completely unlikable because they don't do anything. The main protagonist is so dull that I don't understand how anyone could relate to her- this is NOT the Nancy from NOES. Heather Lagenkamp from the original was feisty, fiery and spunky- a memorable character that has made her mark in the history of horror scream queens, but here we get Rooney Mara who is as lifeless, forgettable and useless as a dead plant. In fact, the girl who was at the start, Katie Cassidey, should have played the lead as she was probably the best actress in the film. All the other actors are equally as dull...this movie really has no soul as everything has been sucked out of it, both from the picture to the characters themselves. There's just nothing there.

The direction is awful and the pace is slow and dull but tries to make it up by quick flashy cuts of crap- the worst aspects of a music video director. The visuals are bland and have no creativity behind them. In the original film we got treated to very cool and surreal dream sequences which were very artistically done, here we get absolutely zero effort in them, all we get is the one boiler room backdrop every time someone falls asleep, that's it. No tricks, no cool ideas at all- the Nightmare series is full of cool dream sequences but there is nothing here of the sort. The music is also terrible and completely forgettable. The kills are awful as well- nothing that is hard hitting or particularly gruesome at all- it's all generic death sequences, though quite bloody, are just not effective. It's also got some really bad CGI- which is again a shame, because when the original had nothing of the sort yet still managed to look good, here everything resorts to computers and it looks crap. It didn't even need to be computer generated at times, in fact some shots could have been achieved in the exact same manner as the original and still look just as effective, but knowing Hollywood, they have to think that bigger is better, and here it fails. Some iconic scenes in the original are recreated here with computers and it just looks terrible.

The dream sequences are terribly unimaginative and dull, much like the actors within them.

Most of this film didn't make any sense either- things which were illogical in the original now make perfect sense compared to this crap, like- why is there a boiler room in this when Freddy doesn't die in a boiler room in this film? He dies in some random warehouse here, so the inclusion of the boiler room is just so that it can be like the original film? Also- the point of his classic glove was what exactly? Apart from one flimsy visual reference, he has no reason to have this and it's not explained.

What we do get amongst this mess is an interesting little notion that provides some nice depth to Freddy- but again, this is so poorly executed and so half-assed that they falter even on this, and as soon as they introduce it, they mess it up by relieving us of it. What could have been a decent addition to this re-imaging, is altogether thrown out the window.

I honestly have nothing good to say about this film apart from Haley's semi-decent but wasted performance, though even then I am really scraping to find things to like about it. This is just shoddy filmmaking and a completely pointless new version of a timeless classic, and just goes to show that there truly are no good ideas left in Hollywood if all they can do is come up with this rubbish. Samuel Bayer and Platinum Dunes has made a terrible re-imaging of a Wes Craven classic, and i'm not only insulted and pissed off as a Nightmare fan but also gutted that this is what the new generation of kids have to get as the new Nightmare on Elm Street.

The fact that Bayer in the audio commentary has said the the original is cheesy and dated is ludicrous, and yet more proof that he has no idea why the original is regarded as a classic and his new version is one of the biggest pieces of filth Hollywoood have ever resorted to release. He just doesn't have a clue and it shows.

Even some of the bad NOES sequels are better, yes, even Freddy's Dead. You know why? At least that had Robert Englund.

0/10

Review: TRON: Legacy (Joseph Kosinski. 2010)

Everything a sequel should be; sexy, stylish and superbly entertaining sci-fi for fans of the original cult classic

After the disappearance of his father Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) when he is still a child, son Sam Flynn (Garret Hedlund) decides to go back to his dad's huge business empire Encom and finally search for him, taking him into the digital world of "The Grid" where he finds that his father has been residing for the past 20 years. However, the world Kevin Flynn once created in 1982 has changed and evolved, and become overrun by tyrannical counterpart, and so, along with the help of fearless warrior Quorra (Olivia Wilde), the trio must do battle against this overlord inside this visually stunning computer universe.

I loved this film! Technically incredible on just about every level, a feast for the eyes and ears, a totally mind-blowing 3D experience. Superbly choreographed action set pieces, a fantastically sexy and stylishly futuristic art and design style, a brilliant fusion of electronic and orchestral music (Daft Punk is an inspired choice and do one hell of a job, easily the stars of the show along with the visuals), and an intriguing, well developed (if slightly confusing at times) story driven by quality actors (Jeff Bridges is excellent in dual roles as are Garett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde and Micheal Sheen who is gold whatever he does), fantastic 3D (love how it kicks into 3 dimensions only when you are transported into The Grid), and all in all an awe-inspiring sequel that continues to revolutionise in the same way the original did. The world of Tron looks stunning with beautiful visuals ranging from awesome bikes and other assorted vehicles to sexy costumes all shining with florescent neon colours, a mix of sleek black and cool blue adorned with a fluorescent hue which looks deliciously unique and beautifully original.

I was never a fan of the original movie but this has got me interested in it again as the story is very interesting, i'd say it's another example of a sequel done right in both respecting the original and expanding on it, and joins the ranks of other great sequels which not only match their originals but in some ways surpasses them, if not all. I would probably say it exceeds the original as i enjoyed this one a lot more, but i don't want to downgrade the original which is a landmark film ahead of it's time.

However, when seen back to back with the original, they make two great sides of the same coin. If the original is underrated or a cult classic, then it's about to become more loved, respected and praised because Legacy really has updated the form and got me interested in the world of The Grid, and i'm sure a lot more people will find themselves falling in love with it as well and admiring the work of the original. The original must be seen to understand the sequel anyway (it pretty much continues directly from the last) so it will be great to have more people coming to it. Newcomers who haven't caught the original will be left perplexed, so Disney better get a move on and re-release the original on DVD/Blu-Ray because at the moment they have stopped making it, obviously planning to release it to tie in with the film, not very good when the original is essential viewing to understand this movie, a lot of people will be looking for it but denied access because it's out of print right now.

First time director Joseph Kosinski paints a stunning virtual world full of adrenaline pumping action sequences

My only complaints were the dodgy looking young Jeff Bridges (done with computer animation, at times he looked okay but the majority you could tell it was off and on the side of a Robert Zemeckis CG movie), an orchestral score that was very similar to Hans Zimmer scoring a Chris Nolan film (sounded like The Dark Knight or Inception at times with it's repetitive use of a few notes and droning noises which seems to be a recent trend with composers these days as i also noticed this in the recent score for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1, but the electronic side of the music fixed this issue so Daft Punk did great overall) and the often confusing plot which will only make sense to me once I see the original again, but otherwise this is quality sci-fi entertainment and well done, polished filmmaking; a superb sequel that brings the world of Tron back for a new generation. It's definitely a movie which takes the core element of what was so great about the first and updates it for modern audiences without losing what the purpose was about. It's a definitive sequel that does what a sequel should do very well; respecting it's source yet expanding on it and it's mythology- as well as respecting it's long term fanbase.

One of the best films of the year and possibly one of the best sequels ever, too. In a year full of strong movies anyway, Tron Legacy comes along as one of the last big movies, and one of the best, too! 2010 in film couldn't have finished on a better note.

9/10.

Review: Evil Dead Trap (Toshiharu Ikeda,1988)

A superb and highly underrated cult slasher horror that every genre fan should watch!

Looking at the title I thought it would be lame Evil Dead rip-off, but this is simply not the case. What it was however is a truly fantastic, creative and sickeningly brutal horror/slasher film with a very cool twist. Quite simply - brilliant!

Nami (Miyuki Ono) hosts a late night TV show specializing in the weird and bizarre. However, ratings for the show are sadly dipping- it's just not getting the viewers it should because the topics aren't interesting enough to gain audience's attention. As her producer tells her that the show will soon be cancelled altogether, twisted luck prevails. Nami finds a package on her desk addressed to her with a video which shows a camcorder recording showing directions to a secret location. Then it cuts to a scene of a woman being tortured. It's hard for her to watch, but curiosity prevails. Is it real? Is it fake? Is it a prank? Brave and determined and with nothing to lose, she decides to investigate further- after all, her job was at stake- and this could be just the story she needs to get ratings for her TV show back and possibly make it an even bigger success than it was before. Together with her film crew, they embark on following the strange video's directions which leads them to an abandoned warehouse where, unbeknown to them, will result in a terrifying night of sickeningly brutal ordeal as they realise the building is actually a glorified torture chamber rigged to the rafters with a variety of demented deadly death traps harboured by menacing monstrous murderers of which there is no escape!

This film was a real surprise for me, I wasn't expecting it to be any good but I was really, really impressed. Reminded me of a mix of the Saw and Phantasm series as well as inspired by classic Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava and other Italian/Giallo horror movies, complete with a very "Goblin"-esque/inspired soundtrack. Excellent direction, atmosphere, music, style (especially the use of some excellent camera angles and black and white photography) and some really wonderfully nasty special effects and gore- some of it was so convincingly well done that even I was reeling back in shock! The film was quite surprisingly unnerving as it features some very disturbing and disgusting imagery; from gratuitous scenes of sex and rape (the film stars Hitomi Kobayashi, a Japanese adult porn star who was very popular at the time, so it doesn't skip on nudity or graphic sex), to sick scenes of torture, violence, amputations and altogether relentlessly harsh death scenes executed in very fierce and creative ways. It really had a bit of everything and done really well providing some very good and unpredictable scares. A horror fan really couldn't ask for anything more.

A surprise at every corner for poor Nami in this hellhouse of horrors!

What I especially loved about it is that it was just refreshing to see a Japanese/Asian horror movie that didn't deal with curses, ghosts and freaky girls with long black hair covering their face like Asian films have been for the last 10 years or so. Before that trend got popular and overdone, here the Japanese were experimenting with some proper straight up sick slasher/snuff/splatter ideas with some insane imaginative flair that was really cool for a change (even though Japanese movies are now ditching the ghost/curse theme and going back to insane crazy gore/splatter stuff now). But this was cool and creative, 80s style, that really stood up well as something unique and special. Director Toshiharu Ikeda really has created something landmark here, it's a shame the film is so unfairly underrated as hardly anyone I know has heard of it and it hardly ever gets mentioned. But those that do will always be gushing about it! It's a must watch movie, highly recommended for all horror fans, especially if you love 80s horror with a good dose of lovely gore! In my view- it's a classic.

9/10