FILM MARATHON!

I've been having a film marathon! Here's the reviews for everything I have seen lately:

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

OTT nonsense that would have been better if I saw this in 3D in the cinema, but I didn't, so can only comment on the normal 2D DVD. It's crap, but enjoyable crap and the kills are very gory with a cool killer. But still a crap film, and only would have been fun with things popping out the screen. 4/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

This is officially the worst horror film I've seen in recent years and it's even worse than The Unborn. There's just no point to this story, a crap and pointless remake where annoying teens get killed and that's it. A lot of sex and naked chicks which is good, but the film as a whole is atrocious. I really should not have been expecting much (especially since the original was near enough the same), and espcially from hack Marcus Nispel who already made the empty Texas Chainsaw remake. Pure crap, and My Bloody Valentine at least had better, gorier kills. I've never been a fan of the Friday 13th franchise anyway and this film didn't do anything to convert me. Terrible.

It's just an empty, lifeless moronic drivel about cliche teenagers doing what cliche stupid American teenagers do in American movies, they have pathecoally bad and bland personalities and I didn't care in the least about anyone (was that the point?). Now that wouldn't even be a problem if they were brutally killed but I didn't find any of the deaths in the film partuclualry gruesome or cool- they were just straight forward kills and some were even not shown, which is a crime! When compared with My Bloody Valentine at least that film had in your face awesome deaths with blood and guts everywhere. Even The Final Destination looks to have more carnage. Friday reboot was definitly mindless but I did not find it fun in any way, it dragged on far too much and I just wanted it to end becuase I was not having a good time with it. Thankfully I did not see it at the cinema becuase I would have easily walked out of the theatre if I had. Having not seen any of the sequels to Friday the reboot certainly hasn't got me in the mood to visit them. It's not that I am not a fan of slasher films (Friday series encompasses the genre), it's just that I hate bad ones- and this film was beyond rubbish. Just becuase Nispel adds a cool colour filter on it does not make the film itself good- this is a repetivie gimmick he always does (he did it on the Texas remake and Pathfinder). It wasnt scary, tense, suspensful or brutal as it should have been, there was no story and all it was was teenagers messing about and then Jason just popping up predicably and killing them. It's just not good enough, especially for a genere rife in crap like this. A pointless and poor remake.

Pros:

+Sex and hot chicks and plenty of nudity
+Derek mears was good
+music
+visuals were coloured nicely

Crap:

-annoying characters I didn't care about (hated them all with a passion) with no depth at all
-simple bland predictable story, you know what's going to happen even with the "twist" ending we all saw a mile off
-crap dialogue
-uninspiring deaths that could have been so much more
-badly directed with no punch to anything, just a loud mess from start to finish
-crap gore effects!
-gets me angry becuase of how bad it is, goes from bad to worse.
-just a pointless movie, if I wanted to see a psycho go around killing teens there's a dime a dozen out there which are more gory, more entertaining and just more fun- My Bloody Valentine for a start.

In my honest opinion I give it 1/10.

See if it wanted to be a proper reboot then they at least could have added charactes we care about, characters with at least a degree of depth. But we didn't get anything and when I bring that up the #1 excuse for that is "but the originals had generic characters this is just the same". Which begs me to question, what was the point of this "reboot"? It could have just been another sequel, which it basically is, another lame sequel with added flash. The script was horrible (but I guess it's normal dialogue for American teenagers these days) and the characters were the most annoying teens I have yet seen in a horror movie thus far, yes they were that bad. Also they had a black guy, a white guy a korean/chinese guy, hey where's the Indian? They wanted to go PC but no other ethnic minorities? It bugs me that they never have any Indians when these films are trying to be multicultural, lame, i'm shocked that the US doesn't do this (here in the UK it's standard). Annoying.

As with many horror reboots (especially by Nispel) they pride themselves on looking good and its not very hard since the original movies came out in the 70s/80s. Colour fiters are used a lot in horror films (Saw series, TCM etc) it's not hard to put some on and make something look good. But tha does not make it a better movie since underneath the gloss it's still rubbish.
FvJ rebooted the series in a strong and positive manner but I felt this new remake was pointless, it didnt revive anything it just came along as pretty much another lame remake "acting" as a franchise reviver (they could make any sh!tty sequel to anything and that could be a franchise reviver). This could have easily been a new Friday sequel. Like Rambo4, a new "flashy brand new" movie in the series which continues from the past. It's just another tired movie series which has been done to death, brings nothing new and is the same old crap. I guess people want this, then, becuase to me it was completly unneeded. The slasher genre has been revived many times before but this movie is just riding on the back of far superior ones, imo. Theres just nothing stand out or special about the film when compared to other recent ones.

I guess it's down to me not being a Friday fan so I didn't see much to this film, but even as a lover of horror/slasher flicks there was nothing in this film to keep me entertainied. As a simple slasher movie it's okay but there are far better ones out there, far better ones out there worth your money and time. All this movie has for it is the Friday label, becuase if it didn't it would be just another forgettable horror film i a world where plenty come and go every year. Friday 13th may have been a staple king of slasher films but this one deserves to be forgotten as a crap remake and a lame horror film.

1/10

Quarantine (2008)

Pointless American remake of [REC], which is directly redone shot for shot and not much point watching it as the original Spanish version is far superior. Watch it for a few extra scenes which are explain the origins of the source but otherwise this is exactly the same, nothing new, we all saw it before done better. I think it would have been better and cheaper if they just released the original with dubbing instead of wasting money on a whole new production just so they can set it in the US as there is no new spin on this remake. 5/10

Shuttle (2008)

Bad horror film about a group of teens who are kidnapped and taken on a hellish ride by a psychopathic bus driver. It pulls every cliche in the book, it's overlong and very boring and I just didn't care for any of it, the characters or the plot. The good thing about the film is that there is no happy ending, and the end twist is quite tragic. A rubbish film but slightly better than the previous two thanks to some good acting. 4/10

Splinter (2008)

Now this is a decent, low-budget horror film done very well. A group of people are stranded in a petrol station garage store as something unknown stalks them outside. Very cool creature concept, like a mix of The Thing and something from The Suffering. Not great as they are some silly parts but overall an impressive debut from a first time writer/director and some very interesting ideas- and a cool monster. Worth checking out. 6/10.

The Tattooist (2007)

I thought this film was okay, acting like an extended episode of The X Files. A tatooist borrows an ancient Samoan tattoo device only to figure out that it is cursed and hexes him, and whoever he tattoos after suddenly seem to die due to the tattoos itself transforming into something more sinister, killing the person. He must trace the roots of the device back to New Zealand and familarise himself with Samoan culture as he begins to understand how it is linked with the ancient art of tattoing, and how the curse became what it is as dark secrets are revealed. A good, interesting film where I learned quite a bit about Samoan culture and how tattooing originated from it and is a very important part of it! 7/10

13: The Game of Death (2006)

Thai film about a man in serious debt who has just lost his job and his girlfriend, only to get a phonecall from a mysterious company offering him millions of cash if he only passes 13 seemingly simple tests. The tests start out easy and he thinks it's a cakewalk when the money is instantly transferred into his account, but to get more of it he has to pass more- each of which are more sick, depraved and twisted. It takes all his strength to overcome these challenges and find out who is really behind this sick game. Pretty cool, disgusting horror and dark comedy mixed together, I thought it was okay, an original film from Thailand. 7/10

The Good, The Bad and the Weird (2008)

Korean film in the vein of Rodriguez's Desperado about a bounty hunter after a group of bandits who are all on their way to find a map. Also on the search for it are other bandits and the Japanese army. This is a fun, stylish and just very cool action film set as an homage to spagehetti westerns and cool Japanese action films as well as John Woo; with some awesome stunts, fights, set peices and gun showdowns! Highly reccomended if you are a fan of Rodrigeuz's Mexico trilogy. Blazing manga-style fun. 8/10

Traitor (2008)

An interesting thought-provoking action thriller starring Don Cheadle as a former soldier who must go undercover with the US FBI to help them track down muslim terrorists. Only problem is that Cheadle is a devout muslim himself, who previously sided and helped with those very terrorists he's now trying to defeat. 7/10

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Fun stylish horror rock musical in the vein of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Half comic book, half horror, all musical, it's a lot of great fun. 7/10

Yes Man (2008)

Typical Jim Carrey nonsense in the vein of Bruce Almighty, though he has definitly lost his touch. 6/10

Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

Bland generic horror film "based on a true story". 4/10

The Unborn (2009)

The only horrfiying thing about this film is how truly bad it is. David S Goyer once again proves that he can write a decent story but can't direct it for sh!t in this uninspired, insultingly cheesy and atrociously cliched horror film. Every cliche in the book is used up in the first 30 minutes and the film just drags on with it's silly, childish nonsense from there. I wonder what the hell Gary Oldman was thinking to be in the film. Bad movie with a lame plot twist you can figure out about half an hour in. One of the worst films of the year, for sure. Not even Odette Yustman in her underwear can save it. 1/10.

Groteseque (2009)

Japanese torture porn in the vein of Hostel, minus any plot. A man kidnaps a couple at the start and then proceeds to fck them up, bigtime. This is two hours of pure torture, which pushes the boundary in plain sickness. Sexual abuse, child abuse, you name it, it's in here- some good special effects in the vein of a grindhouse film but not much else- cliche plot. The only reason I decided to see it is becuase it recently made the news in the UK as the BBFC banned it in the country. Obviously that has done wonders for publicity, and I decided to check what the fuss was all about. For splatterfans only, as this is all the film is. 5/10

Creepshow (1982)

Classic 80s comedy horror. Stepehen King and George A Romero bring us a selection of short horror stories all directed with tongue severely in cheek. Made me feel like a kid again. 7/10

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

A boring film and an utterly generic story I didn't give a damn about. This is Forrest Gump all over again but done in a more serious, less fun way to try and nab some Oscars. Brad Pitt gives a soulless performance as Benajmin Button, the man who ages backwards, and he has the same expression throughout the whole damn film. Cate Blanchett is better as the woman who helps narrate the story but not enough to save the film. But this is really a film which tries to force us to care and I really couldn't, as character after character presented were boring and uninpsired (half of them we have seen in Forrest Gump, it's so similar becuase it's based on the author who wrote that novel too). David Fincher directs and presents the film beautifully and the special effects are pretty damn impressive (it was only after I saw the making-of doc that I realised that Pitt's face was fully CG in many shots, I didnt even know that, so it's amongst the best i've ever come across), but overall the story is just mind-numblingly generic and I did not connect with anyone or anything. Looks great, but little soul in the film; a generic movie with some gloss, trying so hard to impress the Academy that you can see right through it. 5/10

Transiberian (2008)

Very good suspensful film about two American tourists on the Transiberian train from China to Russia who get involved with two mysterious passengers who hold a deadly secret. From here it's a treacherous rollercoaster ride as they get engalgled with murder, deception and narcotics as things slowly spiral completly out of control- not a good thing when you are in the middle of a harsh, cold (and corrupted) country where you don't speak the language. I thought it was very good and had moments of edge-of-your-seat-tense, though it does suffer from having a few scenes of sillyness. Still, good film. Woody Harrelson, Eduardo Noriega (from the amazing Amerros Perros) and Ben Kingsley star. 7/10

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

Fantastic horror film by Guillermo Del Toro which he calls the twin *brother* sibling to his *sister* film Pan's Labyrinth. A young boy is sent to an orphanage in 1930s Mexico (during the end of the Spanish civil war) only to find that the building is haunted by a spectral figure known only among the children as "the boy who signs". It's when the boy finds small clues as to why does he realise the true mystery as to waht really happened there. This is filmaking at it's finest and Del Toro at his best- a beautifully directed and shot film which combines engossing deep, tragic drama, terror and the harsh realism of war as it's set against some truly unnerving events. There's amazing acting going on as well especially from Eduardo Noriega (again). But the creepy atmosphere, vivid colours and expressive visuals are the tour-de-force here. Del Toro really is a master of beuatiful artwork and its got his trademark vibe all over it. The special effects are also amazing. Defintitly a must see if you want a cracking horror film and even if you are a fan of the director. Puts lots of Hollywood horrors to shame. 8/10

Bronson (2008)

Chronicling the life (and inside the mind) of Britian's most notorious criminal Charles Bronson, this is a tragic, stylish arthouse take of Micheal Petersen's world as he spends his time in prison with dreams of becoming famous- as Micheal dissapears and out comes his alter-ego Charles Bronson. Tom Hardy's electrifying performance has to be seen to be believed- a fantastic gifted actor as he takes you on a journey which is both sad, darkly comic, surreal and full of completle and utter mental violence. The film itself is A Clockwork Orange for the new millenium; was the man a tragic product of the prison system or just a plain insane psycho? You decide. All in all a different, hard-hitting and intruiging kind of biopic. Impossible to not take notice. 7/10

The Killing Room (2009)

Interesting but short thriller about a government expermient which puts 4 random people into a room and puts them up for a series of tests, where one person is elimated in succession- by death. Good acting by Nick Canon (I'd never thought i'd say that!) and one of my favourite actors Peter Stormare. 6/10

Somers Town (2008)

Quaint, simple but beautiful drama by Shane Meadows about a young English boy who befriends a young Polish boy. Though language, cultures and personalities apart, they connect from within on one level- their affection for a young French girl. This is cinema at it's finest, and quite possible one of the most perfect films I have ever seen. Simple story, beautifully told. 10/10

Moulin Rouge (2001)

Simply nothing like it has ever been done before, this is a visually stunning peice of kinetic, mindblowing musical art! Amazing set peices, brilliant fusion of music and some outstanding costumes and designs together with visceral and stylish directing makes this epic romance one of my favourite musicals ever. A feast for the eyes. 9/10

Man Bites Dog (1992)

Sick and disturbing, but a fascinating film nontheless. 8/10

Dead Snow (2009)

Norwegian comedy/horror about a group of friends in a cabin who are attacked by nazi zombies. Good concept, silly film, okay if you don't think much about it- has some good set peices but altogether I think the film could have been a bit better with the concept, but it's dumb fun, a laugh when you are with some friends and have a few beers. 6/10

Dark Floors (2008)

Finnish rock group and Eurovision 2006 winners Lordi make their first movie where they play their own monster characters, in Finlands most expensive film to date about a group of people stuc in a hospital that shifts dimensions as Lordi stalk the halls and kill them all one at a time (or something). Sadly the film doesn't make any sense, has cardboard cut out characters and suffers from a lot of generic acts. Visuals are good but it's a film that will leave your head scratching just for the sake of it. I guess the only good thing was William Hope (who played Gorman in Aliens) playing another annoying character nobody likes who gets killed first by having his heart ripped out! 4/10

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Classic British comedy/heist film which hasn't lost any of it's punch. People call it a British Tarantino flick but I think it's so much more. Classic characters, classic dialogue and classic actors (including a young Jason Statham, in his first film). Good stuff. 8/10

Falling Down (1993)

Awesome. Who wouldn't want to go apesh!t in LA like Micheal Douglas does? The character is truly the voice of the people and is a classic movie character! D-Fens for President! 8/10

Feed (2005)

Sick and twisted but very intelligent horror/thriller about fetishes involving men feeding women till they are beyond obese and then getting off on it, broadcasting it onto the internet where a whole community pay to see it like pay-per-veiw porn. The film brings up some very important questions as it is inspired by true real life occurences which happen every day. The film is shocking in it's visuals and all the more disturbing that the stuff actually goes on. As a film, the director took these real life habits and makes a a film a bit like Seven where a cop is trying to track down the guy who is doing it to all the women. Largely underrated film, too. 7/10

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)

Comedy with Simon Pegg, i didn't think much of this film even though I like Simon. Kirsten Dunst was an unlikeable bitch and Megan Fox is overrated and talentless. 4/10

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994)

Underrated horror by John Carpenter. Sam Neil rocks. 8/10

Saw V (2008)

I'm a big Saw fan and love the sequels but this one was definitly weak and made me think that now is the time to stop this franchise for good. Boring, repetitive and cliche, the series has now definitly lost all steam. 4/10

The Boat That Rocked (2009)

Decent feel-good British comedy movie by Richard Curtis (Love Actually). 8/10

The 13th Warrior (1999)

It's not a bad film by any means, in fact I think it's pretty good but overall I think it's a bit of a mess and needed to be fine tuned a little bit, though there are moments of coolness. I haven't read the book by Crichton but I like the idea that he gives an explanation of what the Grendel creature actually might be if it were real. The fights are messy but the direction overall is tight exactly what you would expect by McTiernan. There's a good cast and the story I think is a decent adaptation of the Beowulf poem. There are better films out there based on the material of course (like 2005's Beowulf and Grendel starring Gerrard Butler, and even the recent Outlander), but I still think this is a decent, if underrated, action adventure film. Such a shame that the film was a critical flop when it was released in theatres.

7/10

The Last House on the Left (2009)

Sick, disgusting, depressing, shocking, distressing- but altogether brilliant. This is one of the best horror films I have seen this year, and a very good remake that is better than the original. Reccomended. 8/10

Pig Hunt (2008) - 2/10 Could have been great, ended up being a crap monster movie.
Last of the Mohicans (1992)- 8/10 Epic.
Anything For Her (Pour Elle) (2008)- Very good thriller, with Diane Kruger. 8/10
Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (2007)- 0/10 Uwe Boll
Apocalypto (2006) - 8/10 Brilliant
Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) 0/10 Pure garbage.
Public Enemies (2009) 8/10- very good. Reminded me of Heat, but in the 1930s.
Drag Me To Hell (2009) 6/10 Good, but could have been so much better. This is basically "Evil Dead- lite". Shame that Raimi went from revolutionising a genre, to just plain imitating it (poorly).