Reviews: Piranha 3D (2010) and Scott Pilgrim vs The World (2010)

Piranha 3D (2010) aka PORNAHA 3D

Sun, sand, sea and SEX! This is basically 2 hours of non stop T and A with hot chicks, as well as great cameos with some of the hottest stars in porn. Riley Steele, Gianna Micheals, Ashlynn Brooke AND Kelly Brook- all naked, tits out....on the big screen, in 3D. (Is it sad that I know all these porn stars?....)

Oh yeah, and there's some crappy story about killer piranhas tacked on. Well, there has to be a "story", ya know.

Anyway- lots of fun. The movie itself is absoloute crap of course, but we didn't come to see a movie- we came to see hardcore gore, kills, carnage, monstrous piranhas ripping the sh!t out of everything and everyone and lots and LOTS of hot girls strutting their stuff in 3D....which easily makes it a great A* film! At times it was like I paid just to see a 3D strip show...but a lot cheaper, of course. This is the first film which actually uses the 3D for the best purpose ever- PORN! And the audiences can't get enough! We want more! If you want to see a proper 3D movie in the cinema, then this is easily the best since this year's How To Train Your Dragon.

10/10 (though, realistically, it's like a 4/10- pure cheesy, bad, utterly ridiculous and completly predictable exploitation cinema...and I loved every second of it. The 70s/80s are back, yay).

Next:

Scott Pilgrim vs The World (2010)

Wow, I didn't think this kind of movie could get any better after the awesome Kick-Ass earlier this year, but this matched it equally! Edgar Wright does it again! Super fast, super clever, super witty, super inventive, super NINTENDO awesome film! I was entertained throughout and loved it, there never a dull moment whatsoever. Definitly a film for geeks and video game fans- but I loved that it is very self aware and never took itself seriously, and always broke the third wall (or 7 in this case!). I had a blast and can't wait to see it again- this is not only one of the best films of the year but also one of the best comic book/graphic novel adaptations ever. I have never seen anything like it- it's genre-breaking, highly creative and definitly ORIGINAL! (Something that is missing in 99% of films these days, and all of a sudden this comes along which is PACKED full of it).

10/10. Loved it! Too bad it's not doing as well as it should at the US box office...please support it! Us guys in the UK love it, though! Go and see it! This is Wright's best film after Shaun (and in some cases even better, i felt!). Could be his finest hour! I actually wanted to hate the film at first becuase I can't stand Micheal Cera, but this was a really good movie, and it's impossible to hate it for me. There's just too much coolness in it. Hilarious.

2010 is easily one of the best years for film for me! How can it get any better?!

FILM MARATHON!

I've been having a film marathon! Here's the reviews for everything I have seen lately:

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

OTT nonsense that would have been better if I saw this in 3D in the cinema, but I didn't, so can only comment on the normal 2D DVD. It's crap, but enjoyable crap and the kills are very gory with a cool killer. But still a crap film, and only would have been fun with things popping out the screen. 4/10

Friday the 13th (2009)

This is officially the worst horror film I've seen in recent years and it's even worse than The Unborn. There's just no point to this story, a crap and pointless remake where annoying teens get killed and that's it. A lot of sex and naked chicks which is good, but the film as a whole is atrocious. I really should not have been expecting much (especially since the original was near enough the same), and espcially from hack Marcus Nispel who already made the empty Texas Chainsaw remake. Pure crap, and My Bloody Valentine at least had better, gorier kills. I've never been a fan of the Friday 13th franchise anyway and this film didn't do anything to convert me. Terrible.

It's just an empty, lifeless moronic drivel about cliche teenagers doing what cliche stupid American teenagers do in American movies, they have pathecoally bad and bland personalities and I didn't care in the least about anyone (was that the point?). Now that wouldn't even be a problem if they were brutally killed but I didn't find any of the deaths in the film partuclualry gruesome or cool- they were just straight forward kills and some were even not shown, which is a crime! When compared with My Bloody Valentine at least that film had in your face awesome deaths with blood and guts everywhere. Even The Final Destination looks to have more carnage. Friday reboot was definitly mindless but I did not find it fun in any way, it dragged on far too much and I just wanted it to end becuase I was not having a good time with it. Thankfully I did not see it at the cinema becuase I would have easily walked out of the theatre if I had. Having not seen any of the sequels to Friday the reboot certainly hasn't got me in the mood to visit them. It's not that I am not a fan of slasher films (Friday series encompasses the genre), it's just that I hate bad ones- and this film was beyond rubbish. Just becuase Nispel adds a cool colour filter on it does not make the film itself good- this is a repetivie gimmick he always does (he did it on the Texas remake and Pathfinder). It wasnt scary, tense, suspensful or brutal as it should have been, there was no story and all it was was teenagers messing about and then Jason just popping up predicably and killing them. It's just not good enough, especially for a genere rife in crap like this. A pointless and poor remake.

Pros:

+Sex and hot chicks and plenty of nudity
+Derek mears was good
+music
+visuals were coloured nicely

Crap:

-annoying characters I didn't care about (hated them all with a passion) with no depth at all
-simple bland predictable story, you know what's going to happen even with the "twist" ending we all saw a mile off
-crap dialogue
-uninspiring deaths that could have been so much more
-badly directed with no punch to anything, just a loud mess from start to finish
-crap gore effects!
-gets me angry becuase of how bad it is, goes from bad to worse.
-just a pointless movie, if I wanted to see a psycho go around killing teens there's a dime a dozen out there which are more gory, more entertaining and just more fun- My Bloody Valentine for a start.

In my honest opinion I give it 1/10.

See if it wanted to be a proper reboot then they at least could have added charactes we care about, characters with at least a degree of depth. But we didn't get anything and when I bring that up the #1 excuse for that is "but the originals had generic characters this is just the same". Which begs me to question, what was the point of this "reboot"? It could have just been another sequel, which it basically is, another lame sequel with added flash. The script was horrible (but I guess it's normal dialogue for American teenagers these days) and the characters were the most annoying teens I have yet seen in a horror movie thus far, yes they were that bad. Also they had a black guy, a white guy a korean/chinese guy, hey where's the Indian? They wanted to go PC but no other ethnic minorities? It bugs me that they never have any Indians when these films are trying to be multicultural, lame, i'm shocked that the US doesn't do this (here in the UK it's standard). Annoying.

As with many horror reboots (especially by Nispel) they pride themselves on looking good and its not very hard since the original movies came out in the 70s/80s. Colour fiters are used a lot in horror films (Saw series, TCM etc) it's not hard to put some on and make something look good. But tha does not make it a better movie since underneath the gloss it's still rubbish.
FvJ rebooted the series in a strong and positive manner but I felt this new remake was pointless, it didnt revive anything it just came along as pretty much another lame remake "acting" as a franchise reviver (they could make any sh!tty sequel to anything and that could be a franchise reviver). This could have easily been a new Friday sequel. Like Rambo4, a new "flashy brand new" movie in the series which continues from the past. It's just another tired movie series which has been done to death, brings nothing new and is the same old crap. I guess people want this, then, becuase to me it was completly unneeded. The slasher genre has been revived many times before but this movie is just riding on the back of far superior ones, imo. Theres just nothing stand out or special about the film when compared to other recent ones.

I guess it's down to me not being a Friday fan so I didn't see much to this film, but even as a lover of horror/slasher flicks there was nothing in this film to keep me entertainied. As a simple slasher movie it's okay but there are far better ones out there, far better ones out there worth your money and time. All this movie has for it is the Friday label, becuase if it didn't it would be just another forgettable horror film i a world where plenty come and go every year. Friday 13th may have been a staple king of slasher films but this one deserves to be forgotten as a crap remake and a lame horror film.

1/10

Quarantine (2008)

Pointless American remake of [REC], which is directly redone shot for shot and not much point watching it as the original Spanish version is far superior. Watch it for a few extra scenes which are explain the origins of the source but otherwise this is exactly the same, nothing new, we all saw it before done better. I think it would have been better and cheaper if they just released the original with dubbing instead of wasting money on a whole new production just so they can set it in the US as there is no new spin on this remake. 5/10

Shuttle (2008)

Bad horror film about a group of teens who are kidnapped and taken on a hellish ride by a psychopathic bus driver. It pulls every cliche in the book, it's overlong and very boring and I just didn't care for any of it, the characters or the plot. The good thing about the film is that there is no happy ending, and the end twist is quite tragic. A rubbish film but slightly better than the previous two thanks to some good acting. 4/10

Splinter (2008)

Now this is a decent, low-budget horror film done very well. A group of people are stranded in a petrol station garage store as something unknown stalks them outside. Very cool creature concept, like a mix of The Thing and something from The Suffering. Not great as they are some silly parts but overall an impressive debut from a first time writer/director and some very interesting ideas- and a cool monster. Worth checking out. 6/10.

The Tattooist (2007)

I thought this film was okay, acting like an extended episode of The X Files. A tatooist borrows an ancient Samoan tattoo device only to figure out that it is cursed and hexes him, and whoever he tattoos after suddenly seem to die due to the tattoos itself transforming into something more sinister, killing the person. He must trace the roots of the device back to New Zealand and familarise himself with Samoan culture as he begins to understand how it is linked with the ancient art of tattoing, and how the curse became what it is as dark secrets are revealed. A good, interesting film where I learned quite a bit about Samoan culture and how tattooing originated from it and is a very important part of it! 7/10

13: The Game of Death (2006)

Thai film about a man in serious debt who has just lost his job and his girlfriend, only to get a phonecall from a mysterious company offering him millions of cash if he only passes 13 seemingly simple tests. The tests start out easy and he thinks it's a cakewalk when the money is instantly transferred into his account, but to get more of it he has to pass more- each of which are more sick, depraved and twisted. It takes all his strength to overcome these challenges and find out who is really behind this sick game. Pretty cool, disgusting horror and dark comedy mixed together, I thought it was okay, an original film from Thailand. 7/10

The Good, The Bad and the Weird (2008)

Korean film in the vein of Rodriguez's Desperado about a bounty hunter after a group of bandits who are all on their way to find a map. Also on the search for it are other bandits and the Japanese army. This is a fun, stylish and just very cool action film set as an homage to spagehetti westerns and cool Japanese action films as well as John Woo; with some awesome stunts, fights, set peices and gun showdowns! Highly reccomended if you are a fan of Rodrigeuz's Mexico trilogy. Blazing manga-style fun. 8/10

Traitor (2008)

An interesting thought-provoking action thriller starring Don Cheadle as a former soldier who must go undercover with the US FBI to help them track down muslim terrorists. Only problem is that Cheadle is a devout muslim himself, who previously sided and helped with those very terrorists he's now trying to defeat. 7/10

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Fun stylish horror rock musical in the vein of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Half comic book, half horror, all musical, it's a lot of great fun. 7/10

Yes Man (2008)

Typical Jim Carrey nonsense in the vein of Bruce Almighty, though he has definitly lost his touch. 6/10

Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

Bland generic horror film "based on a true story". 4/10

The Unborn (2009)

The only horrfiying thing about this film is how truly bad it is. David S Goyer once again proves that he can write a decent story but can't direct it for sh!t in this uninspired, insultingly cheesy and atrociously cliched horror film. Every cliche in the book is used up in the first 30 minutes and the film just drags on with it's silly, childish nonsense from there. I wonder what the hell Gary Oldman was thinking to be in the film. Bad movie with a lame plot twist you can figure out about half an hour in. One of the worst films of the year, for sure. Not even Odette Yustman in her underwear can save it. 1/10.

Groteseque (2009)

Japanese torture porn in the vein of Hostel, minus any plot. A man kidnaps a couple at the start and then proceeds to fck them up, bigtime. This is two hours of pure torture, which pushes the boundary in plain sickness. Sexual abuse, child abuse, you name it, it's in here- some good special effects in the vein of a grindhouse film but not much else- cliche plot. The only reason I decided to see it is becuase it recently made the news in the UK as the BBFC banned it in the country. Obviously that has done wonders for publicity, and I decided to check what the fuss was all about. For splatterfans only, as this is all the film is. 5/10

Creepshow (1982)

Classic 80s comedy horror. Stepehen King and George A Romero bring us a selection of short horror stories all directed with tongue severely in cheek. Made me feel like a kid again. 7/10

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

A boring film and an utterly generic story I didn't give a damn about. This is Forrest Gump all over again but done in a more serious, less fun way to try and nab some Oscars. Brad Pitt gives a soulless performance as Benajmin Button, the man who ages backwards, and he has the same expression throughout the whole damn film. Cate Blanchett is better as the woman who helps narrate the story but not enough to save the film. But this is really a film which tries to force us to care and I really couldn't, as character after character presented were boring and uninpsired (half of them we have seen in Forrest Gump, it's so similar becuase it's based on the author who wrote that novel too). David Fincher directs and presents the film beautifully and the special effects are pretty damn impressive (it was only after I saw the making-of doc that I realised that Pitt's face was fully CG in many shots, I didnt even know that, so it's amongst the best i've ever come across), but overall the story is just mind-numblingly generic and I did not connect with anyone or anything. Looks great, but little soul in the film; a generic movie with some gloss, trying so hard to impress the Academy that you can see right through it. 5/10

Transiberian (2008)

Very good suspensful film about two American tourists on the Transiberian train from China to Russia who get involved with two mysterious passengers who hold a deadly secret. From here it's a treacherous rollercoaster ride as they get engalgled with murder, deception and narcotics as things slowly spiral completly out of control- not a good thing when you are in the middle of a harsh, cold (and corrupted) country where you don't speak the language. I thought it was very good and had moments of edge-of-your-seat-tense, though it does suffer from having a few scenes of sillyness. Still, good film. Woody Harrelson, Eduardo Noriega (from the amazing Amerros Perros) and Ben Kingsley star. 7/10

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

Fantastic horror film by Guillermo Del Toro which he calls the twin *brother* sibling to his *sister* film Pan's Labyrinth. A young boy is sent to an orphanage in 1930s Mexico (during the end of the Spanish civil war) only to find that the building is haunted by a spectral figure known only among the children as "the boy who signs". It's when the boy finds small clues as to why does he realise the true mystery as to waht really happened there. This is filmaking at it's finest and Del Toro at his best- a beautifully directed and shot film which combines engossing deep, tragic drama, terror and the harsh realism of war as it's set against some truly unnerving events. There's amazing acting going on as well especially from Eduardo Noriega (again). But the creepy atmosphere, vivid colours and expressive visuals are the tour-de-force here. Del Toro really is a master of beuatiful artwork and its got his trademark vibe all over it. The special effects are also amazing. Defintitly a must see if you want a cracking horror film and even if you are a fan of the director. Puts lots of Hollywood horrors to shame. 8/10

Bronson (2008)

Chronicling the life (and inside the mind) of Britian's most notorious criminal Charles Bronson, this is a tragic, stylish arthouse take of Micheal Petersen's world as he spends his time in prison with dreams of becoming famous- as Micheal dissapears and out comes his alter-ego Charles Bronson. Tom Hardy's electrifying performance has to be seen to be believed- a fantastic gifted actor as he takes you on a journey which is both sad, darkly comic, surreal and full of completle and utter mental violence. The film itself is A Clockwork Orange for the new millenium; was the man a tragic product of the prison system or just a plain insane psycho? You decide. All in all a different, hard-hitting and intruiging kind of biopic. Impossible to not take notice. 7/10

The Killing Room (2009)

Interesting but short thriller about a government expermient which puts 4 random people into a room and puts them up for a series of tests, where one person is elimated in succession- by death. Good acting by Nick Canon (I'd never thought i'd say that!) and one of my favourite actors Peter Stormare. 6/10

Somers Town (2008)

Quaint, simple but beautiful drama by Shane Meadows about a young English boy who befriends a young Polish boy. Though language, cultures and personalities apart, they connect from within on one level- their affection for a young French girl. This is cinema at it's finest, and quite possible one of the most perfect films I have ever seen. Simple story, beautifully told. 10/10

Moulin Rouge (2001)

Simply nothing like it has ever been done before, this is a visually stunning peice of kinetic, mindblowing musical art! Amazing set peices, brilliant fusion of music and some outstanding costumes and designs together with visceral and stylish directing makes this epic romance one of my favourite musicals ever. A feast for the eyes. 9/10

Man Bites Dog (1992)

Sick and disturbing, but a fascinating film nontheless. 8/10

Dead Snow (2009)

Norwegian comedy/horror about a group of friends in a cabin who are attacked by nazi zombies. Good concept, silly film, okay if you don't think much about it- has some good set peices but altogether I think the film could have been a bit better with the concept, but it's dumb fun, a laugh when you are with some friends and have a few beers. 6/10

Dark Floors (2008)

Finnish rock group and Eurovision 2006 winners Lordi make their first movie where they play their own monster characters, in Finlands most expensive film to date about a group of people stuc in a hospital that shifts dimensions as Lordi stalk the halls and kill them all one at a time (or something). Sadly the film doesn't make any sense, has cardboard cut out characters and suffers from a lot of generic acts. Visuals are good but it's a film that will leave your head scratching just for the sake of it. I guess the only good thing was William Hope (who played Gorman in Aliens) playing another annoying character nobody likes who gets killed first by having his heart ripped out! 4/10

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Classic British comedy/heist film which hasn't lost any of it's punch. People call it a British Tarantino flick but I think it's so much more. Classic characters, classic dialogue and classic actors (including a young Jason Statham, in his first film). Good stuff. 8/10

Falling Down (1993)

Awesome. Who wouldn't want to go apesh!t in LA like Micheal Douglas does? The character is truly the voice of the people and is a classic movie character! D-Fens for President! 8/10

Feed (2005)

Sick and twisted but very intelligent horror/thriller about fetishes involving men feeding women till they are beyond obese and then getting off on it, broadcasting it onto the internet where a whole community pay to see it like pay-per-veiw porn. The film brings up some very important questions as it is inspired by true real life occurences which happen every day. The film is shocking in it's visuals and all the more disturbing that the stuff actually goes on. As a film, the director took these real life habits and makes a a film a bit like Seven where a cop is trying to track down the guy who is doing it to all the women. Largely underrated film, too. 7/10

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)

Comedy with Simon Pegg, i didn't think much of this film even though I like Simon. Kirsten Dunst was an unlikeable bitch and Megan Fox is overrated and talentless. 4/10

In The Mouth Of Madness (1994)

Underrated horror by John Carpenter. Sam Neil rocks. 8/10

Saw V (2008)

I'm a big Saw fan and love the sequels but this one was definitly weak and made me think that now is the time to stop this franchise for good. Boring, repetitive and cliche, the series has now definitly lost all steam. 4/10

The Boat That Rocked (2009)

Decent feel-good British comedy movie by Richard Curtis (Love Actually). 8/10

The 13th Warrior (1999)

It's not a bad film by any means, in fact I think it's pretty good but overall I think it's a bit of a mess and needed to be fine tuned a little bit, though there are moments of coolness. I haven't read the book by Crichton but I like the idea that he gives an explanation of what the Grendel creature actually might be if it were real. The fights are messy but the direction overall is tight exactly what you would expect by McTiernan. There's a good cast and the story I think is a decent adaptation of the Beowulf poem. There are better films out there based on the material of course (like 2005's Beowulf and Grendel starring Gerrard Butler, and even the recent Outlander), but I still think this is a decent, if underrated, action adventure film. Such a shame that the film was a critical flop when it was released in theatres.

7/10

The Last House on the Left (2009)

Sick, disgusting, depressing, shocking, distressing- but altogether brilliant. This is one of the best horror films I have seen this year, and a very good remake that is better than the original. Reccomended. 8/10

Pig Hunt (2008) - 2/10 Could have been great, ended up being a crap monster movie.
Last of the Mohicans (1992)- 8/10 Epic.
Anything For Her (Pour Elle) (2008)- Very good thriller, with Diane Kruger. 8/10
Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (2007)- 0/10 Uwe Boll
Apocalypto (2006) - 8/10 Brilliant
Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) 0/10 Pure garbage.
Public Enemies (2009) 8/10- very good. Reminded me of Heat, but in the 1930s.
Drag Me To Hell (2009) 6/10 Good, but could have been so much better. This is basically "Evil Dead- lite". Shame that Raimi went from revolutionising a genre, to just plain imitating it (poorly).

Review: Eagle vs Shark ( Taika Waititi, 2007)

Jared and Lily= fantastic movie

Words can't express how much i loved this film. I absolutely adored it!

Set in New Zealand It follows two misunderstood and socially awkward "nerdy" characters (Jarrod and Lily) as they each search for redemption, acceptance, friendship and ultimately love through a wayward journey of hilarious sorts. Seeming completely opposite when we first see them together at Jarrod's animal fancy dress party (where he dresses up as an Eagle and Lily a Shark hence the title of the film), in due course we find out that they do in fact share a lot of similarities, and through issues which vary from up and downs we learn that that they, like everyone, have unresolvable differences which make us what we are, and its the decisions and choices we make that decide who we really are and where we belong in this mad world.

Although never mentioned, the two main characters here, like those in similar movie Napaleon Dynamite, show the autistic symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome yet this is not why we care or sympathise with any of them. It's their motivations and their personalities, their heart and soul that we grow to love. I loved the characters the more we i get to know them, Jarrod came across as arrogant and easily unlikeable at the start but during the course of the film, as we understand him better, is much more than that. Lily, who we first thought as simple is again wonderfully multi layered and unpredictably lovable. Ultimately this film is a completely unapologetic and almost satirical study of socially outcast outsiders as they live day to day life with their own problems and troubles, but in the end, as we find out, living it well, and actually better than any of us would have first thought; Loving life despite it's flaws, living it and getting on with it- and i found this to be very inspirational. It also boasts a great script, some truly great comedic moments, superb acting by both main actors as well as some fantastic music.

Eagle vs Shark is in a similar vein to Napolean Dynamite, Garden State and Little Miss Sunshine (which i all loved) so if you enjoyed those then i can't recommend this movie highly enough! Not only is it one of the best indie films i have ever seen but it has also become one of my favourite films ever. Sweet, funky, and charming to say the least- this is one of those rare movies that come out of nowhere and end up staying with you forever.

Verdict: Weird, wonderful, charming and funny- i loved this film. 9/10

Review: The Kite Runner (Marc Forster, 2007)

This is a really beautiful film and I was completely enthralled by it from start to finish. Based on the book by Khaled Hosseini it tells the story of two young boys - Amir and Hassan, living in Afghanistan, divided by class but united by a strong friendship and a love for telling stories and flying kites. Due to some unforeseen events they both become separated, emotionally and physically, and with the oncoming invasion by the Russians both lose each other as Amir is forced to leave the country with his faster and flee to Pakistan whilst Hassan leaves with his servant father to go elsewhere, never to be seen again. Years later Amir, now a successful author and living in California with his father, gets a phone call from someone from his someone from his past, and so he travels back to war-torn Afghanistan (now overrun with the strict regimes of the Taliban) as he must do battle with his past to seek redemption for his future.

I've not read the book so I don't know how much of it is in here (I heard they cut out a fair bit and added some more things) but as a movie it worked brilliantly. All the performances here are magnificent, in particular the two young actors playing Amir and Hassan in their childhood years which are really well done. Khalid Abdalla who plays Amir in his 30s is also really well played, you really feel a presence in him and get to understand his inner turmoil, and the stand out performance, for me at least, was Homayoun Ershadi, who plays Amir's father. I thought his acting was excellent and I complete believed in his portrayal as a quiet yet very strong and determined man standing up for his rights. Atossa Leoni, who plays Amir's wife, was also pretty good though she hardly has any lines her face and eyes did all the acting and it completely worked well.

The story is simple yet beautifully told. It's believable and works thanks to it's construction, execution and the performances by said actors. The relationship between the two young boys is done superbly, as is the relationship between Amir and his father which to me really had an impact. Set in Afghanistan amongst is also done well, we get to see an insight into a culture not really done on this level before (usually it's all drab, dreary and negative) but here it's less stereotypical and seems more real. The visuals are at times stunning (especially the backdrops of Afghanistan which might not have much there but indeed look incredible, warm colours and movement adding great depth to it). The kite flying scenes are also excellent, free flowing and poetic adding as a metaphor to the movie (a special mention must also go to the animated opening credits which are also brilliant! Loved the way it was done).

The serious issues of the country and it's people are of course are dealt with and not ignored, but not over-done in a typical and over sentimental way as is what usually happens in a Hollywood movie dealing with a film like this and it's nature. It' got a right sense of balance in there for us to be aware of it yet a new experience for us entirely too, and for that I must give credit for too. Ultimately it's the simple story at heart which drives the film and which is what the whole movie is about, and that's what we focus on because it done superbly.

All in all a memorable film which is beyond its initial simplistic surface, the more I watch it the deeper it got. Great music, visuals, beautiful and heart wrenching story and superb acting all add to one of the best films of the year. I won't be forgetting this one in a hurry.

Verdict: Beautiful and heartwarming: 8/10

Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Jonathan Liebesman, 2006)

Cool poster, naff film.

Now i love the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre but thought the 2003 "remake" was lame- nothing new added there, it was just the same old thing we'd all seen minus the terror, but with a bigger budget for styleand gore. However when this new movie in this "revamped" franchise came i was quite intrigued as it's the origins story. Would we fnd out just how the Hewitt family came to be, their fall from sanity, their rise to stardom as Texas's most screwed up family? Kind of...but still to an all to predictable level (thanks, Hollywood! Youv'e done it again!)

Instead of taking this rather cool premise and explain to use how the infamous Hewitt family came into existence and how they transformed into the blood-thirsty cannibals we all know about, the film largely skips on everything and just gives us yet another repetitive and cliché teen horror movie, which i was very disappointed about. The film starts off well, the first 40 minutes showing us how Thomas Hewitt aka Leatherface is born prematurely in a decaying Texas slaughter house; deformed, retarded and silent, dumped by his obese and mentally incompetent mother in a bin and then picked up by wandering lunatic Luda Mae who adopts him into her family of socially outcast and mentally insane freaks, where the young boy is nurtured into the savage killer the movies are infamous for.

Rather than show us how this is done, Thomas and his families past is instead shown lightly through the scenes explained above and crudely edited newspaper cuttings and reports in the opening credits, which i thought was a complete rush-job. Where the film could have really given us an interesting and cool insight into what really happened and how things came to be, they skip passed everything just to rush to yet another cliché plot of more unlucky kids backpacking through Texas who meet their fatal end. The movie does give us explanations into how "Sheriff Hoyt" really became "Sheriff Hoyt" and how Old Monty became demented and bound to a wheelchair but that's just not enough to explain how the family became wacko in the first place. Their dinner table grace-like pledge that every person which crosses their path shall be rightfully theirs as an offering of meat from God is almost laughable, seemingly coming out from nowhere and not making any sense, again a rush-job to explain as fast as possible why they do what they do- which doesn't sit well with me.

I really wanted to see how Thomas Hewitt became so infatuated with killing but nothing is explained, it seems he was just born with the urge to butcher, which doesn't make sense. We understand that he is mentally retarded but i would have at least liked to learn and understand why he becomes so engrossed in his art, and why he decides to wear the faces of his prey. I had a bit too much faith in them giving us a proper psychological account of how he fell from grace so it was very disappointing to not find out about his real past at all, but i imagine this was purposely kept to a minimum because fans just didn't want to know much and wanted to keep him mysterious and scary; giving a soul to a killer makes us sympathise with him when Leatherface and his family is supposed to be the true archetype of evil. Once that is over 30 minutes of quickly-edited scene setting is over in it then cuts to the dumb-ass teenagers driving through the Hewitt's territory, and what follows is yet another chase, hide and kill horror movie to which we have seen plenty of.

Visuals here are on the most part excellent, the cinematography really capturing the rank, dark brooding and menacing stink of a Texas summer, the colour hues perfectly suiting what would be the odour and look of a rotting and decaying meat in the open sun, which is what the movie's look and style has always been about. The Hewitts, visually, look fantastic as usual and carrying on from the 2003 movie work great as a new re-imaging of a classic demented redneck family. R. Lee Ermy is wickedly dark as Sheriff Hoyt and Andrew Bryniarski is gruesomely powerful and menacing as the iconic Leatherface, the character is well portrayed and just how we remember him. The way he is shot is artistically well done, his stark and brooding silhouette is expertly composed against the scenery and so every time he comes on screen the overall effect works in a powerfully awesome way. That is i reckon the best thing about the film- the artful way everything looks. Acting from everyone else is largely forgettable, the teens especially who do their half-assed job with minimal effort. The gore effects are probably the other best thing about the film, enough carnage and blood-splattered, limb-flailing chainsaw-induced kills to keep the target audience entertained, and i for one as a self-admitted gorehound found myself enjoying that at least. So in essence i guess you get what you pay for. I love the original TCSM but these two re-makes have been the same thing, and i would have liked a different angle rather than them re-tread the same movie. Still, this film and it's 2003 predecessor are still miles better than the sub-par and at times horrendous sequels to the original movie, so it does have that going for it, in that sense this is definitely for the fans- though i'm a fan that just wanted something else done with the subject matter.

Still, the film does do what it is expected to do so well so people after decent torture porn won't be short-changed; it's not tense, suspenseful or scary in any way but does offer another round of hardcore butchering for everyone's favorite demented Texans, so fans will be very pleased. It gives us no real informative explanation into how they turned out to be what they are which is what i was hoping for, so there is not much here in terms of interesting story and exponential saga prologue.

If you liked the 2003 remake (which i didn't) then this is definitely for you as it's essentially the same thing- big budget predictable horror which only has a very distinct style which makes it stand out from the rest. This is just another by-the-books re-imaging of a horror classic for the Hostel generation; visually fantastic yet completely empty and brainless. This is decent enough mindless genre entertainment with high production values yet no real substance which is what there should have been, and what i foolishly hoped for.

Verdict: All flash and no substance. By-the-numbers and predictable with fantastic visuals, but not much else. Just like it's remade predessesor. 5/10

Review: The Incredible Hulk (Louis Leterrier, 2008)

This far surpassed my expectations after seeing the trailer and is EXACTLY what i wanted in a Hulk movie! It promised big things and it delivered, big time. In short-it was INCREDIBLE (sorry had to say it)!! At first it seemed they have tried to dismiss Ang Lee's original take and instead re-booted the entire franchise- new actors, new style and a new Hulk design. But we find out that it is a continuation of sorts, and starts where the last one left off. They just wanted to package it differently for Marvel's new future intentions (which you will understand with the last scene of this movie and the extra-special scene after the end credits of Iron Man which i hope you all caught!) Now i'm one of the very few people that really admired Lee's take on the comic in the original movie. Whilst everyone else was expecting mindless action (which is what we get here, but done to a perfected standard), i appreciated that he did it differently and from a psychological drama perspective where we really feel and understand Banner's inner torment properly and thoroughly. That, as we now see here, was the "origin" story- and so with this movie we cut to where it counts: the ass kicking! Wheras Lee's version was a slow, complex drama- this is just straight forward action of epic scales, which juxtaposes perfectly against it's predecessor. Gone is the long build up origin story- here we see the story set up in the beginning credits, and then what follows is a relentless action movie which moves at breakneck pace.

Hiding away in Brazil, Bruce Banner is still on the run from the US Army intent on capturing him and abusing his powers for their own personal use. Unable to catch him , they hire top KGB agent Emil Blonsky- the best soldier on the field. Even when he can't seem to bring The Hulk down, he decides to even the playing field by injecting himself with an even greater quantity of Gamma radiation than Banner was exposed to. Blonsky then transforms into the Abomination- a being with strength and anger that far exceeds even that of the Hulk. What follows then is the biggest, baddest most epic ass kicking i have ever witnessed on film! Norton is terrific as Bruce Banner (a different portrayal than Eric Bana's from the first movie, both work great), Liv Tyler is "meh" as Betty Ross (though her lines are pretty weak, her facial expressions do portray the character really well- its when she says nothing that really make her role work though she is no match for previous actress Jennifer Connelly). Stand out performance here, for me anyway, was Tim Roth as Emil Blonsky aka The Abomination. I've admired him as an actor for years now and here it seems he's just playing himself, but even then he oozes coolness and i thought he was great. William Hurt now plays General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross, and whilst he his sneaky, manipulative and menacing to a T i still thought Sam Elliot played it better in the first movie.

The action, at first, is given in suttle doses but when it gears up it literally unleashes hell! Exacty what we want to be seeing in a movie about a giant green angry creature! And when it kicks up near the end, it's unstoppable- perfect pacing for a Hulk movie. Action is intense the whole way through and the final battle between Hulk and The Abomination was mightily impressive; it was pretty long for a finale but even then i still wanted more- and that's saying something considering usually i can't wait for long battles to end (Transformers was guilty of this). CGI here is awesome, Hulk performance is brilliant and the choreography is mind-blowing and there are enough nods and homages to the comics, video games and original TV series to make it stand out (loved the new rendition of The Lonely Man theme from the 1970s show!).

I loved every second of Hulk's screen time and i wanted more! Even though i thought the original was awesome, they upped the stakes here and made him 10 times more angry and it worked a treat. Needless to say i was once again smiling like a kid every time Hulk showed up- bigger and badder than ever before! Director Louis Letterier (Transporter, Transporter 2) a veteran of stylish action movies gives us his piece de resistance here- and it really rocks!

Of course the movie does have it's faults- it seems disjointed at times and the pacing seems off, however it is understandable considering there were disputes between Universal, Letterier and Norton with the final cut of the movie, and so a good 70+ minutes were cut out of the film (which will be put back in for the Director's Cut Blu-Ray). So at times the movie seems a mess but i can see why the cut stuff out considering the first film didn't do particularly well as it was overlong. Still, there's enough depth in the film as needed between the action and it does it's job. There are also other faults but i was having way too much fun to even contemplate looking at those!

All in all a perfect Marvel comic book movie and a perfect Hulk movie- as well as being a perfect overblown wham BLAM action compliment to Ang Lee's original subdued drama. Lee's version played more like Ridley Scott's "Alien", and Leterrier's is more James Camerons "Aliens". Both go hand in hand very, very well!.

Verdict: Incredible and for the fans! 9/10

Review: Rob Zombie's Halloween (2007)

As a big fan of Rob Zombie I was very much looking forward to this film, having loved his stylish, gritty and powerfully visceral style in his critically acclaimed The Devil's Rejects. Whilst I found the same fresh tone in this "re-working/imaging/making" of a horror classic, it is of course not without its flaws, of which there are unfortunately plenty. I myself am not a massive Halloween fan and have only ever seen the first movie, so I thought this new remake was fine to an extent. However, talking to fellow fans of the series they felt that it completely messed around with Michael Myer's character, his past and his universe.

Here we get to see Michael's childhood, a dark and depressing one where we being to see all the factors which make him what he is. He, on the surface, seems like a normal 8 year old child but deep down is battling against angst, powerful emotions and disturbing urges his mind and body can't control. His family are the epitome of "trailer trash" - he is raised by his drunk, foulmouthed, jobless and abusive stepfather, his older teenage sister is the irresponsible school slut and his mother, who at least dearly loves him, is a stripper who can't handle the demands of rearing a family and is always at the end of her tether (excellently played by Sheri Moon Zombie, completely opposite to her role as the feisty and frankly insane Baby Firefly in House and Devil's and who is always a pleasure to watch). Myers is bullied at school relentlessly as he is at home by his stepfather and so, as external and internal factors reach a devastating balance, he completely loses sense which starts the chain reaction where becomes the legendary savage killer the series is infamous for. Act 2 is Myers growing up in a Sanitarium where psychiatrist Dr Sam Loomis (played by the always cool Malcolm McDowell), the only one who understands Myer's true inner being, tries to help him but to no avail as Michael becomes more and more recluse, eventually not speaking, eating and sleeping anymore and completely hiding away behind his obsession of masks. Act 3 is Myers, fully grown into a hulking figure of cold, black emptiness, (now played by 6' 8" Tyler Mane in a brutally awesome performance) escaping from his prison and going on the murderous rampage in his home town as seen in the original Halloween movie in a basic re-treading of the classic movie.

I didn't have a problem with this movie to be honest because this is Rob Zombie's vision and not a direct scene for scene remake, however the latter half of the movie goes against this and it turns out to be nothing more than the original movie albeit sped up to fit into the remaining time limit. Because I'm not familiar with the original Halloween movies this is probably why I was more forgiving, as a standalone film I liked it and thought it was far from the "mess" which people and fans have been saying it was. Alas this is a film which stands in the shadow of a classic series and so it will, no matter what, have a lot to answer for and so the backlash has been pretty big (even though the last few titles in the series have been less favourable).

Whilst Zombie does add some dimensions to the infamous Myers character and his past, it's not enough to make it any more interesting that what we have already seen a million times before in movies about psychopaths. Yes the character typically had issues which transformed into something far greater as is always done with all Hollywood psycho killers, and that's all that is shown here again albeit more stylistically. Zombie's directing is not at fault here as it suitably powerful and artistic, it's more so his writing which is poor that lets the movie down. That and the fact that there's really nothing new here to make it any different to what we have all seen a million times before in slasher films- it's the same old movie just looking different.

Whilst I love Zombie's original look and style this is still a predictable horror movie, more so being the same exact Halloween with a new look. Long term Fans of the series will no doubt be angered and should stay away but if you want a stylish, gory and innovative approach to the predictable by-the-numbers slasher movie then I say watch this. As a fan of Zombie's style and not a fan of Halloween, I enjoyed it, but I'm in the minority here. I rate this film high only gore, action, choreography, style, look, music (great score by Tyler Bates and the Halloween theme always kicks ass) and direction as a stand-alone movie. This director's cut DVD does have some slightly longer scenes and a very good alternative ending which works better than the one in the movie which is why I'm giving it a slightly higher score than the norm too.

As a Halloween series movie and a remake (along with writing and character issues) I would rate this lower. But I honestly say I was entertained by it, it was good for what it is and an interesting take on what essentially is a predictable teen slasher movie. I felt this was a more than a worthy addition to an otherwise dying franchise and definitely boosts it back to where it was before. Though many people will disagree, i think this more than makes up for all the crappy sequels and semi-sequels the series has produced over the last few years.

Verdict: An above average yet all too predictable slasher movie that entertains immensely. 7/10